


as vivid as I used to be

by harezora



Series: unravel [1]
Category: Karneval
Genre: Angst, Headcanon, I Tried, M/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-09 00:32:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3229496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harezora/pseuds/harezora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A split personality meets his other self for one last time before the latter disappears.</p><p>Inspired and based on Chapter 140 of Tokyo Ghoul with Yogi and silver!Yogi as Kaneki and white!Kaneki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	as vivid as I used to be

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place just after Yogi is rescued by Hirato and Tsukitachi in Score 63 flashback of 11 years ago, so he will be around 10-11 years old.
> 
> Also, there are no names used to refer to Yogi and silver!Yogi in this fic. Reason being that the name of 'Yogi' was given by Hirato. I would think that the name will be given only when Yogi became more stable and able to live normally... which would only occur when he gets amnesia. Before that, Yogi probably had another name, but due to suffering from extreme trauma under Kafka, he probably had no more use for it.
> 
> I actually wrote this after Tokyo Ghoul 140 was released with a hypothetical situation of Yogi getting back his memories and uh I just want silver!Yogi to cry grossly. But my laptop spoilt and then now we know more about Sasaki being Kaneki so I changed my plot a little.
> 
> Otherwise, Karneval and Tokyo Ghoul are giving me so much feels with the similar plot points and character roles. Especially how there are so many similarities between Hirato/Yogi and Arima/Sasaki.
> 
> Finally, I hope you like this as much as I enjoyed writing this. (:
> 
> P.S. italic 'him' is referring to silver!Yogi while non-italic 'him' is referring to Yogi

Anaesthetic had made its way into  _his_  system, making  _him_  feel a little groggy. It was not much of a surprise to  _him_ , for it had happened quite often ever since Circus had retrieved them from the Kafka laboratory.

Due to their precarious condition, he had to be placed in a medical setting at Research Tower. But everything, from the white walls, to the beeping of medical devices, to the smell of antiseptic had reminded him of the damned laboratory. The trauma was still fresh in his mind, and whenever he lost control of his thoughts, the ward he was staying in would be destroyed by his powers.

After a few rooms had been reduced to smithereens, Research Tower had to resort to giving tranquilisers whenever he showed any signs of breaking down. Such sleep was a relief from reality, but it could not always go on for such treatment was weakening him even further.

 _He_  felt the existence of his other self gradually fade away, which was unusual. By focusing  _his_  senses on what happened outside the inner world,  _he_  realised that some Research Tower scientists were doing something to their body.

There was something about ‘complete memory removal’ that he overheard from outside. Ah, so that’s why  _he_  had that feeling. Now to find  _his_  other self and to say goodbye to him before it gets too late. It was the only thing  _he_  could do before he was gone and replaced by a blank slate of himself.

As  _he_  was trying to look for him,  _he_  felt a tug on his shirt.  _He_  turned around to see  _his_  other self and gasped under  _his_  breath.  _He_  was not expecting to see anyone else in their inner world because  _he_  was unable to reach him ever since he willed for  _his_  existence. The boy  _he_  faced looked just like  _his_  other self, with golden hair and violet eyes. It was him, but different.

Dressed in a robe with an intricate rose motif, this was the prince of Rimhakka, who was the identity of  _his_  other self before the experimentation happened. A friendly but slightly anxious expression was on his face. His eyes sparkled with innocence and hope, with none of the despair they had been through.

This boy should have ceased to exist, since the experiments had destroyed him and he became an empty shell of his former self. It was impossible for the two of them to be in the same place for  _he_  had only started existing when he broke and willed  _his_  existence to escape the pain.

A question interrupted  _his_  pondering. ‘Have you seen Miumarie around? I think she’s on his hill, looking for Miumanai flowers. Yesterday, she told me she had a feeling that they’d grow here…’ asked the prince, who was looking at him with curiosity.

The previously empty landscape of the inner world changed to that of the exact hill that he was on that fateful day. Was this some kind of sick joke?

‘No, I have not. But I can help you find her. She’s important to you, isn’t she? That’s why you’re looking for her, right?’  _He_  tried his best to imitate the gentle smile like the prince, despite the sinking feeling in  _his_  heart.

The two of them continued walking as they spoke. The scenery was beautiful and the breeze felt wonderful despite the current situation.

‘Of course she is. She’s my younger sister! Besides her, my parents and my country are important to me too.’ He replied as he put his hand over his heart. ‘Father is amazing at how he governs Rimhakka so well as the king. When I grow up, I will become a fine person who can protect everyone, just like him.’ At the thought of those words, he grinned.

Those words felt like a stab to  _him_. ‘No, that’s not going to happen… because Rimhakka will be destroyed, you’ll be turned into a post-human by Kafka. And then you’ll forget all about your family eventually...’ was what  _he_  wanted to say, but  _he_  could not bear to announce the despairing future to his past self.

However, it would not feel right if  _he_  continued pretending to go on with the flow of their current conversation. If the conversation went on, it would hurt  _him_  even further and also the prince next to  _him_.

Tears had already started welling in  _his_  eyes at the thought of everything he had been through.  _He_ had tried his best to be strong in order to protect him. After all, this was the purpose of  _his_  existence. But seeing his past self was the last straw. Being reminded of who  _his_  other self used to be, hurt the most.  _His_ vision was blurred from the tears, making _him_  unable to see the other clearly. Maybe he would feel better if  _he_  could not see him.

‘It’s my fault… Because of me, you…’ If  _he_  did not exist, he would still be able to remain human, albeit with a small percentage of Incuna cells in his bloodstream which was unique to the people of Rimhakka. Since the experimentation, they had existed as a post-human who was neither human nor Varuga. An existence that was considered as an ultimate being by Kafka and a monster by the government.

‘How could I… do this… It’s all my fault…’  _He_  knew that  _his_  existence and powers had caused him so much pain and suffering. Even when he wanted to die,  _his_ regeneration powers would not allow death to happen. When he was too upset, things would start moving around him and get destroyed, which he could not control. All these would remind him of how he was no longer human and hurt him further. _He_ shut his eyes tightly, for  _he_ could no longer bear to look at him any longer. Collapsing to go on  _his_  knees,  _he_  was unable to stand.  _He_ wondered if  _he_  would be forgiven by him. Probably not.

‘…It’s fine. I’ve been saved by you countless times, right?’ The voice that finally answered had changed to a softer and more drained voice; a great contrast to the other louder and energetic voice that had spoke to him. As  _he_  felt  _himself_ being pulled up by someone,  _he_  opened  _his_  eyes to see that the prince  _he_ was talking to earlier had been replaced by  _his_  current other self. His eyes looked more like empty orbs, but his expression was of a very slight smile.

A pair of hands surrounded  _his_  face, which felt as comforting as his words directed to  _him_. Some relief washed over  _him_. So he did not hate  _him_  after all…  _he_  was so worried over what he thought of  _him_. ‘You fought in place of the weak me. I’m not angry at all. Thank you for all you have done.’ As he spoke, he brought  _him_  into an embrace. It was the least he could do for  _him_.

He never approached the split personality that he willed into existence in order to escape from reality, and even shut him out. He was afraid of  _him_  because  _he_  reminded him of what he had become: a monster. But he could not deny that  _he_  protected them so many times in the Kafka laboratory in the past and in Research Tower right now. Although  _his_  methods were very strange. He still could not get why  _he_  would laugh when killing and fighting others. It was almost as terrifying as the experimentations he had went through, which was also part of why he distanced himself from the split personality.

Through time, he realised that he had to accept everything that has happened to him, whether he liked it or not. However, he still could not do so. He still missed his family and the thought of it brought intense sadness, hindering his recovery. This inability to move on had caused him to be in his current situation.

Maybe it would be better if he forgot everything. Although this would mean his existence may disappear for one’s memories made up their personality. It would be like death, he thought. Which he had sought for a while before realising it was impossible with his post-human body.

All his wishes and hopes had been dashed since that day, so he had nothing much to live for. However, deep inside, like any other child, he still wanted to experience being a teenager and eventually, an adult. It was such a pity that he could not do so. He hoped that after this operation, he, or rather, another version of him, would start anew as a blank slate and get to live his life to the fullest.

Of course, he also knew that one day, this future version of him would have to recover his memories and face the truth about himself. Hopefully, by then, he would be older and mature, therefore able to accept it better than he did right now.

Feeling more of himself fading away, he brought his other self closer to him. This was all he could do after rejecting  _him_  for so long. Also, he just wanted a hug before he was gone. He could not remember when the last time he had a hug. ‘Let’s… rest a bit...’

 _He_  agreed with him, for he was also exhausted from everything that had just happened. For the young split personality, emotions were so unfathomable and tiring. Some rest would be sorely needed before  _he_  meets the new version of him. Hopefully, he would be much happier in his next life and  _he_  would continue to protect him. After one last glance, the both of them shut their eyes at the same time.

‘Goodbye.'


End file.
